Disclaimer: Many health care professionals and Wise Women advise: venting is good for the soul. My take is that venting (generally) keeps most murder sprees in check. I don’t have any hard evidence, I just happen to know a lot of people who repress. I can hypothesize what the results of this repression could be if it should explode out of them, rather than little leaks at a time. This post is merely a little leak. If you happen to work in law enforcement, I hope you know the difference between venting and actual plotting. If not, please look it up before you start arresting people. Thanks.

As most females and some males can attest, testosterone has nothing on estrogen when it’s not in balance. Mine is not in balance right now. As a woman who’s reached a certain age, my little bottle of little lilac hormone pills gets me through my day without experiencing what are referred to as “hot flashes.” Anyone who hasn’t experienced a “hot flash” has no idea how absofu*ckinglutely insane one makes you feel. One, people. And by the way, a woman doesn’t just have one in a day’s time. One, you could deal with and quite easily plan your day around.

“No, John, I can’t meet you in the board room at 2:00. I’m having my hot flash at that time and before you ask, no I can’t rearrange it. Believe me, you do not want me at that meeting during my hot flash. Oh, then you know what I’m talking about. I’m sorry to hear about your gardener. Your wife’s all right now? Good. And your gardener? No longer your gardener. Well, it sounds like everyone learned a valuable lesson that day. Will 2:15 work for you? Yes, a few minutes are all I need. So, 2:15? Good. See you then.”

We don’t just have one, though. There are several, and sometimes (whee!) many. Women are so damn lucky.

I can see my point just beyond the horizon, thither and yon. I’m getting to it. Now is not a good time to push me.

I went to the doctor’s three weeks ago and had some tests run on me. Don’t you just love how doctors get to experiment on you, you submit quite easily and hardly ever put up a fuss, and you pay them? Anyway, these tests came back saying that there is some kind of stress on my liver. Contrary to all the rumors, I’m not a heavy drinker. “I only wish I was,” she says in her best drawl, with a sigh and a flip of her hair. 

Because I’m not a heavy drinker, here’s where the experimenting begins. No more ibuprofen for me. That’s a bummer, because ibuprofen is my buddy. I like to take her with me everywhere. Just in case, I get a headache or exercise too hard or carry something I really shouldn’t etc etc. This all happens to me a lot, by the way. But okay, I’m willing to play along with the doctor and stop taking ibuprofen. Next? No drinking. Oh, water is okay. Soda, juice, blah, blah, blee, blee are all fine. But no alcohol. As I mentioned I’m not a heavy drinker; however, I do enjoy the occasional glass of pinot grigio. And if I’m not in the mood for wine, then there’s nothing like a glass (or pint, depending on my mood) of ice cold lager, is there?  So, no drinking. Okay, now I feel a bit as though I’ve been bad and my crayons have been taken away from me until I learn my lesson, but I’ll deal with it. Then, just as I’m on my way out the door,

                “Oh, and one more thing,” says the doctor evilly.
You can hear the evil, can’t you?
                “You’ll have to stop your estradiol, too.”
                “What?” I ask. Maybe my hearing is going. Does a bum liver affect your hearing?
                “Estradiol can also be hard on your liver, so I need you stop taking it.”
                “What??” I ask again. You know, hoping I might get a different answer. But I don’t. Crap.

For nearly three weeks, I’ve been living without my little lilac pill. It’s not just the hot flashes (by the way, my husband calls these power surges. Is that awesome, or what? It’s why I married him), it’s also the not sleeping. Flipping great, right? But no, it doesn't stop there. On top of the at-no-notice-I-want-to-rip-every-stitch-of-clothing-off-my-body-regardless-of-where-I-happen-to-be AND I’m beginning to feel empathy for zombies (they don’t get any sleep, either) now begins the [insert sinister music here] intense emotions. It’s sort of like PMS, only much worse. And patience? Where the f*ck did I put my patience?? So now I’m a pissed-off, hot-flashy/power surgey, sleep deprived woman with no patience.

All I can say (haven’t you already said way too much??) is that if I don’t get back on my little lilac pills soon, I’m going to have to kill someone. Perhaps many someones. And it won’t be pretty. This isn't going to be dropping an elegant spoonful of poison in someone’s porcelain teacup. It’s going to be bloody. Body parts will be flying. I’m talking axes, chainsaws, perhaps explosives of some kind. Who will it be? Does it really matter? Okay. Well, I’ll start with the doctor. From there, who knows? I have a lot of friends who have people they can do without. I’ll exercise my demons and help out some pals.

Gees. Hope I’ve not scared anyone. It’s a good thing I’m a writer and I can kill people off, without getting arrested (I think). I actually do feel better and much less inclined to take out my wrath on society at large. This venting thing really works. Huh.

There are more tests to deal with in the next few weeks. In the meantime, let’s just hope that no one tips the balance of this already imbalanced soul. More venting may follow…


  1. Loving this post (and the song!) Going to make sure you have a constant supply of lilac pills to keep you balanced, well as balanced as you can be! Ha!

  2. What an awesome post! I especially enjoy the disclaimer :)

  3. *enters the room. eyes to the floor. soothing voice. head lowered. hands out with offerings of yummy chocolate.*


    I think my blood pressure just spiked watching that video. It made me want to kill... or simply drop to my knees asking forgiveness of the gods before Armageddon rolls on through.

    I do hope you are reunited with your little lilac beauties post haste. As I, am also at that glorious age of both, reason and body parts entering into some sort of metamorphosis. Off to the land of Oz tomorrow to get to the root of these damn headaches and get me a new whatchamacallit, whatever that may be. It seems doughnuts and wine, not together of course, may not be the best thing after all for sustained health. Who'da thunk it? Where's the justice, she hisses.

    Estrogen. A glorious thing. Until it's not. There's a lesson here, I think. For all those not affected, of course. A woman in the throes of hormone induced insanity is the perfect storm... and not to be f*cked around with.

    *backs out of the room, shuffling feet quietly. head lowered. off to procure more chocolate.*

  4. This is absolutely great! I hope everything turns out ok, but I do enjoy the ranting! I have a couple people you can add to your list hehe :)

  5. A few comments:

    1) "Power surges" is fantastic. Points for your husband.
    2) Slayer are fantastic. Points for you.
    3) I sometimes wonder if the phrase "hot flashes" isn't strong enough. I'm a guy so I can't tell. "It's just a flash, right? And it's hot? How bad could that be?" Maybe that's part of why we males struggle with the concept. Does that make sense?
    4) I'd say, "take sleeping pills" but recommending medication because you're not taking medication seems weird. I'm saying this as a heavily medicated person, by the way. I can't sleep without at least lunesta and usually hydroxine and melatonin.
    5) I hope you feel better. Great post:)

  6. Hi Scarlett,

    “But I feel much better now, honest! The straight jacket isn’t necessary, I promise!” Love the “offerings of chocolate” and of course that’s the way to soothe this savage breast! Why didn't the doctor think of that?

    I hope I’m reunited with my lilac beauties, too, but it doesn’t look promising right now. I hope your appointment in the Land of Oz is fruitful or at least enlightening (i.e. I hope it turns out to be a straightforward issue and solved easily, thus avoiding doctor experimentation). LOVE your “reason and body parts entering into some sort of metamorphosis.” Excellent line! And damn it, what’s wrong with a diet of doughnuts and wine??? It makes us happy doesn’t it? Why can’t the body cooperate???

    The “perfect storm” rises and recedes according to Her schedule. I’m doing my best to keep Her in check, but everyone should batten down those hatches (or lower the storm shutters) just in case. Thanks, Scarlett! And I do hope you’re feeling better. xo

  7. Hey Devin! Please send me the names of those pesky people and I'll be happy to add them to my list. Hah! Thanks for stopping by! :)

  8. Never thought I'd be so happy to be an old broad. Your post reminded me just how happy I am to only see hot flashes in the rear view mirror. My hubby used to call mine my "personal summers." Sorry you're having so much trouble, but trust me, they'll eventually come to an end.

  9. RA, love your comments. You never fail to make me laugh. Slayer are awesome, aren’t they? Somehow speed metal suited my mood and no one does it better than them.

    You’re right “hot flash” is too tame a phrase. We all have an internal temperature, which is generally set on Cool. There’s Freezing, Cold, Cool, Warm, Hot, Burning Up, and then HOT Flash. Luckily, for men their internal temp never seems to get above Burning Up. If you turn on your oven at the highest setting and feel the amount of heat radiating from it then you’re almost at HOT Flash. And yes, it only lasts for a “flash”; otherwise, I’m sure people would be finding piles of ashes everywhere and there would be a serious lack of women over 40 in the world. Hope that explains it a bit better.

    And I would love to take sleeping pills right now, but of course that’s on the “no” list, too. I’m going to look into the melatonin, though. Fingers crossed. Thanks, RA! :)

  10. Hi Susan, I appreciate the encouraging words and at this point, I'll be glad when these "personal summers" are in my rear view mirror! Thanks for stopping by! :)

  11. Too funny, love this post! I hope you start feeling better and everything gets figured out!

  12. Hi Frugal, Glad you enjoyed! I hope these medical people figure it all out soon, too! :)

  13. That's how I feel everyday minus the flashes. I have no pills. I used to take the white pill, but I stopped.
    I love your disclaimer!

  14. i cant relate since im not a woman! lol but i hope u get ur pills
    if not the legal way, start looking on street corners ;)

  15. @ Insomnia, always start with a disclaimer...just to cover your a**, you know? Hah! Thanks for stopping by!

    @ Jeremy, yeah, lucky male that you are! But then, I'm sure you have to deal with females, so maybe not so lucky! Hah! Thanks for stopping by! :)

  16. Hey Intricate Knot! I actually know exactly what you mean/feel! I have a condition called "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome" which means I have a little too much testosterone which basically makes my hormones wacky! I'm only 29 and I get heat flashes, sweats, you name it! The birth control I'm on helps boost my estrogen levels and helps to keep my periods regular.

    About a year ago, my older doctor out of no where told me that a new law was passed about being a certain weight and being on birth control, therefore, she could no longer provide me with birth control pills. WHAT???! I've been on birth control pills since I was 14! So I ended up switching doctors, in which my new doctor said my old one is crazy!

    So yeah, I sorta know what you are going through. Hang in there! Maybe you need to see a new doc for a second or third opinion!

    Mia at The Muses Circle

  17. Hey Mia!
    I have a friend who has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, too. It’s terrible, so I’m sorry to hear that you suffer, as well. I think unless people are familiar with the symptoms that it’s easy to dismiss hormone issues. I’m really, really glad that you got a second opinion. And that is excellent advice for me. Thanks, Mia!

  18. I know it was a rant, but I had to laugh at the power surges. I am really not looking forward to menopause. That is also a bummer about the liver. No drinking sucks!

  19. Hi Amberr! Agreed, no drinking sucks. Glad you had a chuckle! Thanks for stopping by :)

  20. Hysterically funny! If you go on that killing spree, I'll be your alibi or your partner. LOL!

  21. I'll take both (alibi and partner)! Hah! I knew you'd understand, Kranky. Thanks for stopping by! :)

  22. Haha, I know what you're talking about. I don't know about hot flashes, but PMS is a very stubborn follower of mine. And it makes me ready to kill too. Btw, didn't know ibuprofene was bad to the liver, it's more known for not being good for the kidneys.

    1. Glad I can give you a laugh, Sinead! If your PMS gets out of hand and you need an alibi, you can count on me. And yeah, I'd always heard it was kidneys, too! Thanks for stopping by x