Starting a business is one of those complicated things, isn't it?

Ahem. Yes, silly me. I somehow thought the whole process of starting a publishing company would be easier! Just kidding. I actually did know better. I’ve been in “business” for my entire working “career”…for other people’s businesses. I’ve worked my ass off (I wish) for other’s dreams. Four months ago I decided to do my thing and it’s been a happy, frenetic, and yes, scary ride! At the moment, I’m in the red-tape section of the journey (apparently). So, everything has pretty much come to a halt, while I fill out forms and applications and more forms and more applications. Paper work!! Fictitious Business Name application, Federal Tax ID forms, Seller’s Permit application, and blah dee freaking blah blah bleech deech (when all else fails, make up words). I’ve started filling out forms in my dreams. Totally sad.  What kind of sick, twisted people dream up all these damn forms anyway?? I’m pretty proud of myself that I haven’t blown a brain circuit, and then again, maybe I have and just haven’t noticed (what with drowning in paperwork and all).

Okay, so I’m venting (in a BLOG??? Unheard of!). The truth is I’m having the best time ever, bleeding !$&&****@@@!!! forms aside. Yeah, this is all a pain, but it truly is for something completely worthwhile, yes? I’m doing my thing! Making my dream come true and yay, me! As such this is, in a way, “my party.” Leslie Gore, sing it…

And things were going so well…

Typical. In the midst of all this creating, polishing up my first book (“polishing” sounds so much easier than editing, doesn’t it?), working on my second, third, and fourth book, doodling my greeting cards, tweaking the website (ad nauseum) and blah-blah-blah-di-di-bee-blah, I am dealing with doubts, doubts, DOUBTS! Will it always be this way? Probably, yes. Our creative expressions hide in the creases and folds of our hearts. Peeking out, every-so-often, and filling us with such yearning. Yet, creating things that we love seems to always be shadowed by Looming Doubt (nice title, I can work with it…or not). Whether our creative expressions are children, stories, blogging, painting, needlepoint, music, or dinner, Looming Doubt is always hanging around to put in his two measly, but somehow quite off-putting, cents. WTF?? Or is it just me? Nah, I can’t be the only one dealing with this crap. And that really is all that doubt is, isn’t it? Crap. In my case this “crap” boils down to self-sabotage. It’s better to knock yourself off the Path of Wonder and Light, isn’t it? Why wait for others to smack you down? Besides, I’m just so damn much better at it! Hah!

One of the nice things about getting older (and there are so few perks), is that you start seeing the patterns in your life. When you’ve done something ten bazillion times, yes, it does begin to dawn on you that “hey, maybe there is some sort of, whaddya call it? Pattern. Yeah, maybe there’s some sort of pattern going on here.” Self-sabotage seems to be something that I find so enjoyable that I keep coming back to the Well of Self-Doubt and drinking, drinking, drinking away as if there’s no tomorrow. But there is a tomorrow. Or at least, I hope there is! And when you wake up the morning after an evening of self-flagellation and everything hurts, you start to think that maybe, perhaps, it might be better to have not indulged in the first place. Hah! What a revelation! One of the other perks of getting older? You realize that you have less time to waste. Get this freaking show on the road already!

Yes. Get on with it. What is it that hides in the creases of your heart? What is that desire that both teases and taunts you? Bring it out. Get on with it. Put Looming Doubt in the closet, or find a convenient rubbish bin. Oh yeah, old Looming will be back, but keep brushing him aside. Or better yet, tell him to “talk to the hand” and while he’s busy yammering away, you can get on with it.

Ta Dah!

Finally, finally, FINALLY created my website and it is (semi) ready for prime time! Sort of like me…semi-ready for prime time (or day time, night time, 3 in the morning time). A little background, please. I started it in August (this year! I’m not that bad). It’s been quite the journey! Got discouraged. Plugged away at it some more. Got discouraged some more. Reworked the entire site four (#@#!!!$%#@#!!!!!) times. Got really PISSED off at it! Then finally, finally, FINALLY finished it. But then a website is never really “finished.” It’s sort of like housework, a bit more fun and creative, but somehow I don’t get quite as angry/frustrated washing dishes the way I do while trying to create html (etc and blah-dee-blah).

Eventually (hopefully it won't take another 3-months!), I'll get my e-store done and then I'll be able to start selling my greeting cards (you know, those cards everyone is lining up for!). Didn't I mention I’m starting a greeting card company? I was working my way up to it. I’ve decided to fund the cost for self-publishing by starting a greeting card company. Wise decision? Who the f**k knows?? We’ll see how far I get. Regardless, I’m having fun and that’s a good thing. And I’m definitely not playing hard to get with my life.

If you are so inclined, check out website and let me know what you think. No brutal honesty, please. http://www.intricateknot.com/

Just a doodle…

The “Brambles of Suspicion” nasty buggers!

So, I’ve decided to draw my own pictures to add to my finished, but not-yet-published book. I know, seriously?? Yep. It’s one of those kind of books and I’m going to include maps, etc. It’s good exercise for my fingers (huh??) and as it turns out a very good motivational technique. We writers can use all the motivational techniques we can wrap our heads around! I’m finding it validating and inspiring to create these little doodles. I see my universe so vividly it’s wonderful to share it not only through words, but through these drawings as well. Besides, if I'm going to put my heart and spirit "out there" I might as well put it ALL out there! Why the hell not? Don't answer that. I'm sure there are a lot of reasons not to, including the old "Crap! Now people can point and laugh at me!" or worse yet, "Double-crap! No one is even looking at me (my book) to even just point and laugh!"

Then I hear Freddy Mercury sing, “This is your life, don’t play hard to get” and I just say f*ck-it. I know, I talk to myself A LOT. Perhaps I should go to a shrink, but I just don't have the time! I am way too busy thinking up the nutty stuff.

The real thing is once I stopped trying to get my book published through traditional means, and decided to go the Indie Route, I’ve found it nothing but FREEING! Amen.

Something to ponder...

"I think I'm losing my grip, but I can still make a fist..." Trent Reznor from the song, "Getting Smaller"

Yes, it's uncivilized of me, but I really like the fact that I can indeed still make a fist. And though the next line in the song is "I still have my one good arm that I can use to beat myself up," I am choosing instead to hone in on the "I can still make a fist" part. What that means to me is that although some things in my life appear to be slipping away (long time friends, job stability, sanity…you know, those oh-so-unnecessary things!), I can still stand up for myself. I can fight for me, usually with me, but that’s beside the point!

I’m still standing (hah! Elton John) and as long as I am, I can make my dreams come true. Isn’t that really the truth? As long as you’re still breathing, you can make it (whatever “it” is!) happen. You’re still managing to suck in that H2O so there are lessons to be learned, stars to be reached for, and gifts for you to give. Once you stop breathing? Game over (at least this time around). So, I try not to worry so much about losing my grip on those rare (many) occasions and focus instead on making a fist. If nothing else, this will (hopefully) ensure that I’m ready the next time Life tries to sucker punch me once again…