And things were going so well…
Typical. In the midst of all this creating, polishing up my first book (“polishing” sounds so much easier than editing, doesn’t it?), working on my second, third, and fourth book, doodling my greeting cards, tweaking the website (ad nauseum) and blah-blah-blah-di-di-bee-blah, I am dealing with doubts, doubts, DOUBTS! Will it always be this way? Probably, yes. Our creative expressions hide in the creases and folds of our hearts. Peeking out, every-so-often, and filling us with such yearning. Yet, creating things that we love seems to always be shadowed by Looming Doubt (nice title, I can work with it…or not). Whether our creative expressions are children, stories, blogging, painting, needlepoint, music, or dinner, Looming Doubt is always hanging around to put in his two measly, but somehow quite off-putting, cents. WTF?? Or is it just me? Nah, I can’t be the only one dealing with this crap. And that really is all that doubt is, isn’t it? Crap. In my case this “crap” boils down to self-sabotage. It’s better to knock yourself off the Path of Wonder and Light, isn’t it? Why wait for others to smack you down? Besides, I’m just so damn much better at it! Hah!
One of the nice things about getting older (and there are so few perks), is that you start seeing the patterns in your life. When you’ve done something ten bazillion times, yes, it does begin to dawn on you that “hey, maybe there is some sort of, whaddya call it? Pattern. Yeah, maybe there’s some sort of pattern going on here.” Self-sabotage seems to be something that I find so enjoyable that I keep coming back to the Well of Self-Doubt and drinking, drinking, drinking away as if there’s no tomorrow. But there is a tomorrow. Or at least, I hope there is! And when you wake up the morning after an evening of self-flagellation and everything hurts, you start to think that maybe, perhaps, it might be better to have not indulged in the first place. Hah! What a revelation! One of the other perks of getting older? You realize that you have less time to waste. Get this freaking show on the road already!
Yes. Get on with it. What is it that hides in the creases of your heart? What is that desire that both teases and taunts you? Bring it out. Get on with it. Put Looming Doubt in the closet, or find a convenient rubbish bin. Oh yeah, old Looming will be back, but keep brushing him aside. Or better yet, tell him to “talk to the hand” and while he’s busy yammering away, you can get on with it.