Harold

Being a writer is like being possessed by a strange (is there any other kind?) beast, who can force you to do its bidding at any hour and any place. This Beast doesn’t care if you’re at your day job, in the middle of a dinner party, rock climbing, giving the baby a bath, or even asleep after a way-too-long, punishing day (at the day job). The Beast wakes you up and drags you from your bed with promises of excitement and the possibility of satisfaction. Yeah. Weird, huh? Honestly, honestly the writer has no control over the Beast. Even desperate pleas of tiredness or not-now’s appease it not! 

Why do I call “it” a Beast? What would you call something that drags you out of bed in the proverbial middle of the night? Sue? Kevin? I don’t think so. Actually, I do sometimes call my beast Harold. “Harold” just sounds less intimidating than “Beast.”

Once that Harold (or whatever you call the Beast) grabs you by the throat and forces you down in front of the computer screen, typewriter, pen and paper, you are riveted. You must write whatever Harold tells you to and no breaks are allowed. You are not allowed to eat, answer the phone, clean your kitchen, down an Ibuprofen because your back and neck are killing you from typing away for hours upon hours (even if it is on the same freaking sentence!!!!), or even have a pee. Sometimes, while in the grip of Harold, I find myself forgetting to breathe and suddenly have to gasp for air, as if I were drowning (or being choked). Yay! Whoo-hoo! It is SO way fun being a writer! Sorry, Harold. We humans need to breathe. Not buying it? Look at this way, if I don’t breathe your fun ends. Get it?

Of course, no one else can see this Beast…until you read the writer’s work. Then the Beast is revealed in all its gloriousness (or un-gloriousness, depending). The funny (not really) thing is, there isn’t just one Beast! Oh no. Things couldn’t be that easy, could they? Hell no. Harold is not alone. There are a multitude of Beasts and where Harold leaves off, another is quite happy to take his place. Sadly, sadly the writer’s relationship with the Beast(s) actually begins in fear, runs to excitement, then back to fear and…dependence. It’s all a bit Stockholm Syndrome really. Because you know what happens next? Harold rubs his hands together with glee at this bit! He disappears. Yep. Leaves you hanging. Nasty, bad Harold! So there you are, half way out of a plane, just dangling over the middle of the Sahara (or places much less glamorous, you just never know).

In anguish, you may decide to strike out on your own. Yeah, who needs that freaking Beast anyway? I can do this. Hah! Novice, eh? You can’t go anywhere without the Beast, man. You want to keep it real? Then you have to move with the Beast.

If this all sounds nuts (what? seriously?) then, well it probably IS nuts. But we writers really can’t help it. So read our stuff and have a smidge of pity for us. We may have written this at 7:00 in the morning, after finally dropping off to sleep at 3:00 and left to our Own Devices (sounds totally ominous, doesn’t it?) you begin to jot down this drivel and decide to share it with others and- Crap. Gotta go, Harold is calling…

So, I decided to self-publish...

What am I thinking? After years of stop and starts, has my brain finally stopped functioning all together? It isn’t a wonder. Okay, so those were the first and second questions that popped in my head. Shortly followed by, “Why the f*** not?” A writer’s life is full of peril…and rejection. Your writings are your dearest children. They can do no wrong. Your children are the brightest, most handsome and beautiful. They detract from no one, they only add to grace of the world. How could anyone reject these gems?

If I self-publish I am eliminating the middle-men of rejection, the publishers, agents, and editors and I am taking my children straight to the source…the public. Yes. The public may reject my stories. Of course this is quite possible. Don’t you think I know this? Yet, this feels more honest to me. The public will not reject my works because I may not make them enough money or I’m not commercial enough. The public will reject me if they just plain don’t like my stories. Honest. Real. Personal.

Will it be easy for me to accept this honest rejection? Hell no. But “them’s the breaks,” folks! And perhaps it will help me grow as a writer and a human being.

Besides all of the above, you know what? I want to be in control. Me. It’s my Universe. My stories. My characters. Win or lose. Right or wrong. Why shouldn’t I control every other aspect of these endeavors? The cover art, the price, the distribution, the promotion, everything. Writing is what I came into this world to do. I’ve always known that. I just didn’t know that I also came in to be a publisher.

Not My Dream

The Boss
So, he's a bit crazy (but not in the good way, like me, my husband, and my friends!) and a lot controlling. Sound familiar? I bet. He's difficult, changes his mind on how he wants me to handle things, and often I feel bad about myself because of the way he speaks to me and treats ("treat"?? it's definitely NOT a treat!!) me. Example? He throws rubber bands, paper clips, and Post-Its on the floor of his office for me to pick up. I've been working for him for over 5-years. I didn't start yesterday. I came to this company with well over 10-years experience in (bleech) office work. I've been around the block a few times, okay? I'm not a "newbie." Yet, at times he will go into long, complicated explanations on how to send a fax. Seriously? Is this really a good use of my time? Yeah, I know he's paying me, so what the hell? But you know it doesn't stop there, folks. It's not like he recognizes the fact that he's taken up 20 to 30 minutes of my time up explaining something that doesn't need explanation...he'll then ask me if I've written up that subcontract or followed up on such-and-such. Oh really? And when was I supposed to do that?? Whatever!!!!

It's Complicated
How did I end up at this company? It's just him and I (he and I? me and him? whatever). When I started here, there were about 10 employees. The man who hired me is the son of the man I work for now. The son is the son-in-law of my best pal, who I've known for well over 20-years. Close call, eh? I like to play everything close to the heart. Just to make it reeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly complicated and difficult. Why not? What? Have I got something better to do with my time? Hah!

Only, it's not so complicated anymore...
Those 10 employees? All left or laid off. The company has been hit pretty hard by this economy (the easy explanation, but there's only so much room in this little box). Yeah, and the son who hired me? Doesn't work for the company (i.e. his father) anymore. He left because he didn't want to work with his father anymore (again, the easy explanation, for expediency's sake). Oh, and the "best friend"? Not my friend anymore. We had an earth-shattering-blow-the-f**k-out-hum-dinger and haven't spoke in almost a year. I may or may not explain this further in a separate blog.

Weird and Difficult
After the son left? As you might imagine, working with the dad was no frolic through Lollypop Land. Anger and hurt-feelings abound, and who was there as the whipping boy? Yep, lucky me!! That evened out. He got less angry. Father and Son patched things up, but son is still out on his own. Good for him, I say. But...as to me, I find myself working for this man at a job like so many others. I've always tried to take "ownership" at my work. Makes me a great employee. I take responsibility. I'm willing to bend over backwards and basically contort myself into whatever shape my employer asks of me and I've been able to do this while essentially maintaining my integrity. Pretty amazing, huh? The catch? There is always a catch, right? This all takes its toll, man. This year...well, it's been rough. You cannot repress the emotions that I have over the years and not pay a price. I've come through that, though and I'm finding my way through to the other side.

The "Other Side"
One of the things I've realized? This isn't MY FREAKING DREAM! Who cares what this man wants me to do or how he wants me to do it? This is HIS dream. I'm just helping him out the best I can, to support his dream and in exchange for this I get a paycheck. The paycheck helps pay the bills, until I can get MY OWN DREAM to start paying those dang bills. That's what is getting me through the work day now. When the Boss starts getting up my nose, my mantra is...not my dream...not my dream...not my dream. And it's working. Amen, Sisters and Brothers.

Creating a Blog

"Come on, this isn't a "new thing,"l!" No, it truly isn't. Just a matter of taking the "blog" in my head (runs 24-7, folks) and transferring it (copy only, original stays in my brain) to this little box. How hard can it be? Well...if you're a touch neurotic (like myself), we could be here a while. I'll put it this way. It took me 3-days to figure out what "design" I wanted for my "blog." And after all that hemming and hawing (what the hell is "hawing," anyway? sounds violent!) I'm still not sure if I'm happy. Yeah, the "design" shouldn't be a big deal; however, that's probably only true if you're not me. Would have loved to not use any template what-so-ever and just totally do my own thang (if you know what I mean). However, Google is pretty kewl and they've given us a lot of options to play with. So here it is. Until I change it, that is! Hah!

Why am I writing this dang thang anyway? Creative outlet, my friend. Yep, I need 'em BIG TIME. Sorry, didn't mean to shout I just get excited about creative outlets! Love them!! I'm at the point in my life, however, that I can't just keep having creative outlets just for me...I need to get it out there. Out there. Out where you are, for example. Been writing most of my life. It's pretty much like breathing for me and I want to make my living it at. Heck yeah! I'm tired of being shy, modest, "issue" ridden, whatever. It is time to put up or shut the h*ll up! Not ready to shut up, so, here I am.

I'll give you a word or two of caution, I am a little demented. If weird isn't your thang, this may not be right place for you. But hey, I can play it straight (so to speak), too and there are times when I'm pretty sure I'm brilliant. Of course there are the other times when I'm full of plain old crap. Hah! I'm working on creating a website for my brilliant bits and (yep, you guessed it!) here in this blog is where I can color outside the lines and at times be full of just plain old crap. I know I'm not alone. We all have our stuff. If you've reached a certain age, you know what I'm talking about. This blog is an outlet for my particular (and peculiar) stuff. Hope you enjoy.

 Bless